The random imperfections of nature cannot be orchestrated by humans playing god.

Starting to feel like this world, as it is, it’s drowning us.

And by virtue of Evolution being our God, we’ve evolved to breathe underwater.

Re: technology. You can learn to breathe underwater, sure. But if you weren’t always a secret mermaid, will the adaption, the enhancement, the evolutionary ability to breathe underwater, will it ever feel human? Or will it still feel artificial many miles later, are we, are you and me,
have we really learned to breathe underwater or have we just been holding our breath this whole time?

A diversion. Technology, it frightens me. I say, as I type on my computer-
I prefer nature, walking, seeing, feeling, sensory experience-
yet, I wonder, I am enslaved by consumerism, evolutionary human narcissism, tech-tech-technology-
one day, after I’m long dead and cold in the grave, will my great something grandchild feel no sense of unease in this new realm of images and feelings translated through a screen?

I’m scared, I’m scared because I feel as if that child, if he felt no such unease, he would no longer be human, humans aren’t machines, we originated in the caves, in nature, we didn’t come to life on screens.

Yet, somehow, we’ve lost our human depth. We have more words than ever to communicate with, but in our development of verbal communication I fear we have forgotten the meaning behind communication.

That is, I mean, words are finicky things. Words are weapons, tools, whips, bandages. A person can say one thing and mean another, a person can carve words to fit their wants, desires, a person can use words to manipulate. Words are more often opportunity for miscommunication, an irony. With physicality, I’m not thinking of complicated intellectual physicality in the modern age, I’m thinking of caveman physicality -- with that, you get what you give.

Generational? Human? Regardless, I’m tired of living in a world where Assumptions and Expectations come before Asking Questions.

A world where you spend hours thinking on what that person’s behavior meant instead of just asking them, “Hey, are you upset with me?”

I’m tired of looking for signs and pretending to not care and then hating myself for caring.

I’m tired of being a walking contradiction, of professing a feeling artistic soul and then cowardly hiding behind the facade of over-thinking and fearing the Implications of Acting.

I’m tired of living in a world where Implications breed fear, pain, anger, resentment and, comedically, inactivity.

I’m tired of this world that keeps trying to teach us humans, us feeling-creatures, that we are machine and not the stardust that informs the particles that informs the atoms that informs the molecular structure that is you and me.

I’m tired because I want to feel more, cry more, laugh more, love more, dance more, I want to be able to give pieces of myself away without a second thought.

I’m tired because it’s nature versus nurture battling in both my body and my consciousness. “I should do this” immediately followed by “Should I? What if I’m rejected? What if I’m not? What if nothing? Should this remain unsaid, undone? Would it be better that way?”

I’m tired because my brain is screaming NO, NO, NO, NO but I’ve got a Sherlock Holmes that won’t quit whirring in my mind and
I’m realizing I ask questions but the problem is I never ask them aloud.

I’m tired because I’m a hypocrite, I tell myself I’m a feeling-artist but when I fear, I sink into that fear as if it is a black inky mess pulling me under and in those black depths I force a smile and say: but this is how everyone is, this is how I am, we’re the generation of Assumptions and Expectations and Implications.

I’m tired because I’m realizing, suddenly, that all of this is yet another symptom of the disease of evolution, of the decline of the Individual. Acting on a thought requires security in the self, and the thoughts that come after the question “Should I do this?” are people-pleaser thoughts.

And that’s the true definition of human advancement, every step we’ve taken in the direction of modern, improved, enhanced has been secretly wrapped in the shadow of the desire of meeting some sort of mandatory, imposed-on-all-humans ideal of what is better and what is not. Advancement that we hope will one day pile on top of more advancement to become perfection that makes us gods

But what is perfection?

People-pleasing at its finest.

The nature of advancement is the elimination, subtraction of flaws. Betterment. An airplane is the evolutionary next step after a car because it does its job faster, more efficiently, in greater comfort and with more convenience…

I’m tired because the other day, it suddenly struck me that in the human thirst for advancement, feelings and emotions have become flaws that need to be rooted out,
and suddenly, my fixation with technology, with space, the great frontier, it all made sense
Because if feelings are flaws, then technology represents the blueprint for the end goal of human advancement -- efficient and emotionless
and now it makes sense why I stare at my phone, why we walk glued to our screens down the street
because having our head buried in colors that come together in glass to simulate three-dimensional sensory perception,
it makes you less human, that is,
have phones not become an extension of our limbs? Even when they’re not in our hands, we know where they are and we check on them periodically.

But staring into the depths of artificiality does not make you artificial
And, ultimately, I am tired because my soul sings to be human but the world has taught me that only machines survive.

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